Ok so just over a week ago I wrote a post here about resting from work, from a course we are doing at church right now. So it's rather ironic that whilst I am preaching about it I still can't seem to get it right in my own life! In the session I was very honest about being ill, which actually only a few people at church knew about, and I find this hard to be open about. I hate being weak, I've written about this before and I hate being viewed in that way. I never want people to have sympathy for me or to look on me with pity. This is obviously a hang up I have and I have no idea why! So I don't really let people in the 'real world' know about being ill. And coming to terms with it has been hard, again I have posted on it numerous times, here and here for a start.
Anyway over the last few months I have begun to feel better and have been taking on more things, so I was feeling very positive about it all. Then the last few weeks seem to have been a rather rude awakening as some of the symptoms have come back and I am exhausted again. Being around people who believe in a force of evil means that I am torn between feeling that this is of the enemy and I should just trust in Jesus; to wanting to give up everything and go to bed for a week.
Last night we went to the O2 for a joint churches gig for Pentecost, which was great. But before hand (like half an hour before we were due to leave) I started feeling ill. So we delayed going but I was so determined not to be beaten (whether by the devil or myself I don't know!) we did go. In hindsight this was foolish and I should have listened to my body, or God, one or the other!
But it's funny, this week when I have been feeling rubbish so many things have pointed to me being ill still (and I don't just mean the symptoms). Amongst other things, I was at a talk where a guy started sharing about his CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) he suffered for 5 years, others have blogged on tiredness and not doing too much, and this morning someone came up to me at church wanting to share something with me personally about how God has been speaking to her about the whole rest/balance thing we had studieed the week before. Ok, so that was the final straw and the tears flowed!
Back in January/Feb when my GP told me to rest I was so up for it, feeling this a season of abiding and just getting closer to God. Then as I said I started to feel better and opportunites came along and I began to do a bit more. So now I am looking at the scales again. Am I really trusting God in all this? Is this just me pushing things forward? I keep saying I am not and I am waiting on God and I am certainy not seeking out opportunities but then I am getting tired again. So there is a part of me waking up to the fact that this season of abiding is not yet over. Perhaps I just need to drop everything except the essentials and just rest in Him for a while longer...
But the me part of me, is resisting that and thinks, 'but I am enjoying this, I have found the true path God wants me on and I am not ready to give that up'. I am digging in my claws and refusing to budge. Truth is if I gave myself permission to truely chuck it all in for a while I would probably enjoy it. It's the in between stage that is not healthy and driving me to distraction. Either way, I thought I was getting better before and I thought God was giving me these opportunites, so how will I know when I really can start again? And on top of that the discernment process takes so long I am very reluctant to put that on hold, seeing as I can't start until next sept (2012) anyway and then another year seems like forever. Oh I know, I can hear you all yelling at me, 'it's Gods timing!'
I know a year is nothing and if that is what He has has in store it won't matter how hard I push against it!
Oh I don't know, just writing all this out makes me tired. For once in my life I want someone else to make the decisions for me. To just tell me what I should do. That should be God, but I just can't hear Him on this right now. Or maybe I am not listening hard enough...